Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
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I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
🤣🤣🤣
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.