bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
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I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?