The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
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If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
You look like you would fail a DNA test
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there