Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
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VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
The pen is writier than the sword.
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.