The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
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If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
cat vs inanimate object
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
This hospital has everything
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
the worm is coming from inside the brain
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.