Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
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I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.