This is my bus stop.
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“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
Punctuation Matters. Period.
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit