Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
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I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
crochet youtube is brutal
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE