Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
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I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
i really liked this one
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
I drew y’all a little something.
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more