Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
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I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me