[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
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[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”