Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
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My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke