Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
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Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
Smooooooth
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks