why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
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Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
“what’s it like having a sister?”
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being