*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
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Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no