torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
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i dont have time for this
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
Hitlers gonna hitl
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.