Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
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My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.