Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
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Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
who named him groot and not spruce lee
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.