wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
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I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
welp
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.