When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
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Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
Baller is short for ballerina
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?