waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
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Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
i wish all
whales
a very
big
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.