I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
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Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
is frankincense just very honest incense?
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”