*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
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“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.