Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
You Might Also Like
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.