*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
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My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
The asteroid..
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now