in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
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Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair