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Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
🙁
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden