me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
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DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
got so much cardio in today
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person