I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
You Might Also Like
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
Does this dress make me look cat?
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
wishing you and yours all the best
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”