Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
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if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”