“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
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ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?