The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
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Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
Erm I’m gonna say no
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important