bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
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Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
#CoronaOutbreak
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.