If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
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I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
real
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.