Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
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hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead