God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
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If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.