Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
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Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road