Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
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OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
me and the Superbowl rn
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
#JohnTravolta
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
Terribly Tuesday.
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.