[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
You Might Also Like
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
My favorite type of men is ramen.
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis