Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
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Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
What flavor cupcake are these
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor