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The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
Bike is short for Bichael.
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
Whisper out to librarians!
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.