Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
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I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.