If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
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First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
no such thing as a dumb question
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*