Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
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{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door