Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
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8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
Oh. My. God.
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.