Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
You Might Also Like
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible