Good boy ๐๐
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Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
Your script should feel like a movie. Thatโs why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.๐
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
Yea, music today sucks. But donโt forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
When I say Iโm tired, the โof peopleโ is silent
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
โWhy KFC calling you at 1:36am?
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an โold manโ until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof