Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
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Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
My kitchen overserved me.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.