[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
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My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.