how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
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For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
My five year plan is a meteorite
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?